It feels like eons ago that I started writing a book with my Sister-in-law about perfectionism and body image. It focused mostly on the outward things and achievements and our need to strive for perfection. We were going to title it something along those lines…However, in the past 2 or 3 years, I have discovered the new title for my “book”. It’s called motherhood. The thing that brings up all the ugliness to the surface. Exposing selfishness, weakness and confronting the achiever in myself.
I feel like young moms in particular experience some different battles during the early years of motherhood. We aren’t highly accomplished in our career nor did we have our five year plan all set before we had kids. Nope. We do this crash course style. And among trying to figure out what our “new” life is supposed to look like- we can’t help but remember that old life. You know, the one where you could predict your week. Go out on dates. Have alone time with your husband. Go to the gym or read a book.
I have to confront the green eyed monster on this one. Some days it is difficult to be with people that aren’t in my shoes. That probably sounds bad. I feel bad saying it. But it’s true. Most of my 25 year old friends have muchhhhh more freedom than I do. That can be hard to swallow when I didn’t plan on my life looking this way.
Enter in- the grieving process. About 6 months after having Jude, i found myself having tremendous anxiety which moved on to feeling like I couldn’t control anything which moved on to the dreaded postpartum depression. (I would like to mention here that Jude was a HORRIBLE sleeper for the first 2 years and many studies show that sleep deprivation increases the chances of PPD-it not, causing ppd. Also, weaning can kick moms into post partum depression. Oh, and moving and change in job are other risk factors  Sounding familiar…)
A huge step for me was crying. grieving. mourning. Actually acknowledging that there was a loss of the “old life” allowed me to move on. It emptied out a lot of the fear and anxiety that I had lost the chance to “do” all that I had planned. I realize this might sound extreme, or Debbie Downer, but it was my experience. I love my kids with everything!!!!!! but it took allowing myself to fee all of the crap for me to really enjoy my kids. Yes, there is a difference 
I am definitely still in the process of figuring things out. I worry about going through another dark season but trust that God taught me things in the last one and if I have to walk through the valley again- there is purpose in it. I guess what I am trying to say is that, if you are having a hard day. I. Get. It. If you are looking at yourself in the mirror- dark circles and a little thinner than usual. I.Get.It. If you look forward to your morning cup of joe like an asthmatic looks for a deep breath of air. I.Get.It. And I am strangely comforted to know that I am not alone in my struggles and my hope is that you will find comfort in this as well.

We have had one illness after the other with Jude. A week before we had Asher, Jude had Strep and a ear infection. He got better for a few days (days 1-4 of Asher’s life), then got sick again. After his cold didn’t resolve, we found out he had an ear infection and lung infection. Once he started to get better, JD and I got the flu!

January has been quite a month with a new baby, a new job (JD has a new job after graduating at the end of Dec. Yeah!) and a new season in life. Despite the fatigue of motherhood with a toddler and infant- things feel good! I am excited to see what the year holds. I have a to-do list a mile long and am trying to learn to take it all in stride. My current project is taking photos of my jewelry and uploading them onto etsy while I work on building my own website.

That’s all the recap I can give you…baby’s crying and dad is out the door!

And then, things got a little crazy.  I have been having consistent braxton hicks for a while but nothing rhythmic or close together. After we left the birth center, I started having contractions every 2 minutes. I got home and got in the tub, thinking it was probably just a reaction to getting checked. They didn’t really ease up or slow down. JD and I wanted to make sure that if this was it, Jude was with grandparents- so we called them to have them get Jude.

In the process of them pulling up to get Jude- we discovered that JD’s window in his car had been smashed in. Not much we could do but leave the car since we were leaving for the birth center. Add a little adrenaline and confusion to the mix. Plus my parents were arriving in Denver in several hours. I think JD and my brain were pretty foggy- because we really should have known better than to rush off to the birth center.

When I got there, the midwife checked me and said I was at six ( measuring is pretty subjective so I don’t know if I was really at 6 or still at 5). We waited around for things to heat up a bit until the midwife came in and said she thought that this might be a false alarm but I should try to go for a good walk to see what happens. We went for a 20 minute walk, got lunch, and walked the 20 minutes back with contractions 2-3 minutes apart the whole time.

After the walk, I was still the same with no progression and she sent us on home (One of the ways she suspected that this was not the real deal was because my cervix was still posterior and had not come forward enough- which is what happens in real labor). The whole ordeal was an interesting experience for me for multiple reasons. One of which is that I have had a baby before! I should know when it is really time. However, my body reacted to the cervical check and the irritation to the membranes of my cervix. This produced contractions for multiple hours (they didn’t mellow out until about 5pm) but they never got to the needed intensity to get labor really going. I think I was too worried about making sure we didn’t wait too long to get childcare for Jude and I had a fear of doing transition in the car!

I am having a tough time sleeping at night. I keep waking up from contractions between 1-5 am which leaves me feeling pretty groggy in the morning. Thankfully, I haven’t been dealing with contractions today so I have been able to catch up on rest. Overall, it isn’t really a bad way to labor. My body is working and dilating throughout the days/weeks leading up to D-Day. Yesterday was probably the most unpleasant because it was lots of contractions without progress and a bit of a confusing ordeal.

As of now, it is business as usual. I plan to go about my days like normal…slow, tired and puffy I don’t know when Asher will come but my goal is to be patient and trust that my body know what it is doing. And- I am going to ignore the fact that a blizzard has begun outside and pray that when it happens, we will get Jude safely to the grandparents and get ourselves to the birth center…even if I have to do transition in the car. Ouch!

Anyone want to guess on the day he will come??????

My baby step towards a solution begins with Monday. I have begun to cement in my mind that Monday is my day to do sheets and towels. This way, they are clean each week instead of thinking…hmm, when did I last change our sheets? Please tell me that someone else has asked themself this question. And sometimes when I feel like being productive- I get on a roll. By 9:37 this morning I had:

Done 3 loads of laundry

Matched as many mismatched socks as possible

Had 2 cups of coffee

Made myself a breakfast burrito and a breakfast medley for Jude (half of a white chocolate macadamia nut clif bar with 1 turkey sausage patty and strawberry yogurt)

Completed round 3 of cleaning out my closet for anything that won’t fit me for the next two months. It is sooo annoying to keep clothes in your closet that may or may not crawl up your stomach and show everyone that your pants are being held together by a ponytail holder. I prefer to tuck them out of sight!

Changed the sheets on our beds

Sent 8 text messages

And threatened, “If you don’t stop doing xyz- you are going to get a spanking Jude Blair!” Actual spanks given- 2.

And by 9:50- I have written a post

“You may be feeling a little tired these days, especially if you’re having trouble sleeping. You might also feel clumsier than normal, which is perfectly understandable. Not only are you heavier, but the concentration of weight in your pregnant belly causes a shift in your center of gravity. Plus, thanks to hormonal changes, your ligaments are more lax, so your joints are looser, which may also contribute to your balance being a bit off. Also, this relaxation of your ligaments can actually cause your feet to spread permanently, so you may have to invest in some new shoes in a bigger size.

Remember those mood swings you had earlier in pregnancy? The combination of uncomfortable symptoms and hormonal changes can result in a return of those emotional ups and downs. It’s normal to worry about what your labor will be like or whether you’ll be a good parent” (Babycenter.com, 2010)

Wonderful. That’s it for now.

I rarely get on my political soap box but this is a deserving situation. I am sitting at Denver Health enrollment services. I was told to arrive before 8 and at 7:45 was the 30th person in line. After standing in the cold for 15 minutes we were ushered inside, given a number then told that this number doesn’t garauntee an appointment. So I wait. Next to the guy yelling on the phone that he is going to have a seizure. Across the hall from a mom with her three kids. Next to everyone else who is dependent on getting help today… Knowing that we may not.
This started 4 months ago with my initial application for chp plus ( a Colorado program for children and pregnant women). I heard about this program when we found out that the $482 that we pay a month for health insurance didn’t have a maternity rider and our insurance no longer offered maternity. After applying in May, I waited for almost 60 days, though the quoted wait time is 45 days. I received a denial letter claiming that we made too much money (over by $100). I began the appeal process because the application asks you to fill out expenses such as health insurance, childcare, Medical bills…etc, since these are considered allowable deductions. With these we we were well below the income limit. 2 months later I finally get the final verdict that they still won’t accept my application and was told that they would not take me deductions into account.
Now approaching my 3rd trimester, the birth center requires 80% of the cost of care and delivery. $2800 due next week. $1280 if I am covered through chp plus. I have tried every avenue to get this all figured out. I first tried calling the Denver health line which makes appointments at it’s clinics to be seen. I made the mistake of calling at 8am. You must call back at 2 to schedule a next day appointment. After calling back at 2, I was routed to the correct line and placed on hold for 20 minutes. At that time, a recording came on saying that all of the appointments for the following day had been made. “Call back tomorrow after two to make an appointment for the following business day”. Are you kidding me? I have been infuriated and defeated by this entire process. Humbled by the impossibility of the situation. And the worse part is that I am helpless. There is no one To call to yell at and demand service. No threat can be made to “take my business elsewhere”. I can only hope that today I can get seen and hopefully accepted.

WHAT ACTUALLY happened on this day…

After waiting for 3 hours I was able to get in to see someone. Thankfully, a man had given me his ticket as he walked out the door which put me ahead by 15 spots. It took about 30 minutes to review all of my paperwork and at the end of the appointment she said, “You are approved”. HUGE sigh of relief. Unfortunately, I had only grabbed a small protein bar on my way out the door at 6:45 that morning. Now, at 11:30, I was starving and having leg cramps and contractions because I was dehydrated. I got home and laid down feeling completely tuckered out for the day. At least I was done with this whole health insurance fiasco…So I thought.

8:30 AM the next day-

My phone rings as I am on the way to work. It is a lady calling from CHP+. Instantly, I know this isn’t going ot be good. She informs me that the woman who did my application yesterday was in training and she made a mistake. My application was going to be reversed and denied. The reason was that I had private health insurance. I said, “Ok, so you are telling me that the program that covers pregnancy and children won’t cover me because I have health insurance. Even though my health insurance has NO maternity coverage on it.” “I’m sorry she says”. The only possible option would be for me to drop my health insurance and try the process again.

No thank you. Absoloutely not. If this is any kind of foreshadowing for a government run healthcare program (and it is) it is not pretty. Too much red tape. Not enough help or resources to reach all of those in need. And the kicker is that it really isn’t helpful for those of us in the middle ground. We don’t make enough money to easily pay all of our expenses when the unexpected happens. We make too little to qualify for all of the programs that are supposed to help in this situation. My advice is…Get out and vote! We are looking at some pretty unpleasant realities if we are ready to hand over our healthcare to the government.

And here is a bonus pic- because it is cute!

* We all have nice tans…Jude’s has come home with heat rash and a cold which really stinks. I am expecting to get it since he and I always pass things back and forth. As for JD, I am sure he will stay healthy. It is really amazing- He never gets sick.

*Our house is on the market and we will no longer have renters at the end of this month, so if you think about it, please pray that it sells soon!

* Jude’s first b-day is coming up. I’m thinking it might be a Toy Story or Nemo theme. He runs around the house with his mini sized Buzz lightyear saying, “Dad, Buzz!!!!! Buzzz!” He really does get cuter every day.

* I am 21 weeks pregnant. Next week I have an ultrasound. I should do a whole post about this. I am not sure that I want to find out what I am having since we are done either way. I think that it would be kind of fun to be surprised. I have been entertained by the reactions to this. “How could you not find out?”…etc. We’ll see. I have next week to decide. JD says boy. I dreamt the other night that we were looking at the ultrasound pics and sure enough…Boy. Anyone want to place some bets?

Also, I don’t enjoy pregnancy. I am making an official statement. By this time with Jude I remember being in a “I feel good phase”. This time around, I still have good days and bad days.  If two hours pass by without eating I feel sick and nauseas. I down a ton of protein…but it doesn’t feel like it sticks. It may also have to due with the fact that I am often lugging around 50 pounds of offspring! Jude teeters close to 35 pounds at 23 months. Add him to the 15 extra pounds of baby weight I’m carrying and it is not fun.

Finally, my sister has been reminding me to send her pictures of Jude and prego pics. I promise I will post some soon! JD and I own a camera but seem to prefer to get pictures from other people. I will work on that in the next couple days. Bye for now- I am going to see what else I can get done during this (too short) morning nap.