I posted this as a response to my cousin’s blog and figured I should copy it to mine since it encompasses this season.
It feels like eons ago that I started writing a book with my Sister-in-law about perfectionism and body image. It focused mostly on the outward things and achievements and our need to strive for perfection. We were going to title it something along those lines…However, in the past 2 or 3 years, I have discovered the new title for my “book”. It’s called motherhood. The thing that brings up all the ugliness to the surface. Exposing selfishness, weakness and confronting the achiever in myself.
I feel like young moms in particular experience some different battles during the early years of motherhood. We aren’t highly accomplished in our career nor did we have our five year plan all set before we had kids. Nope. We do this crash course style. And among trying to figure out what our “new” life is supposed to look like- we can’t help but remember that old life. You know, the one where you could predict your week. Go out on dates. Have alone time with your husband. Go to the gym or read a book.
I have to confront the green eyed monster on this one. Some days it is difficult to be with people that aren’t in my shoes. That probably sounds bad. I feel bad saying it. But it’s true. Most of my 25 year old friends have muchhhhh more freedom than I do. That can be hard to swallow when I didn’t plan on my life looking this way.
Enter in- the grieving process. About 6 months after having Jude, i found myself having tremendous anxiety which moved on to feeling like I couldn’t control anything which moved on to the dreaded postpartum depression. (I would like to mention here that Jude was a HORRIBLE sleeper for the first 2 years and many studies show that sleep deprivation increases the chances of PPD-it not, causing ppd. Also, weaning can kick moms into post partum depression. Oh, and moving and change in job are other risk factors 
Sounding familiar…)
A huge step for me was crying. grieving. mourning. Actually acknowledging that there was a loss of the “old life” allowed me to move on. It emptied out a lot of the fear and anxiety that I had lost the chance to “do” all that I had planned. I realize this might sound extreme, or Debbie Downer, but it was my experience. I love my kids with everything!!!!!! but it took allowing myself to fee all of the crap for me to really enjoy my kids. Yes, there is a difference
I am definitely still in the process of figuring things out. I worry about going through another dark season but trust that God taught me things in the last one and if I have to walk through the valley again- there is purpose in it. I guess what I am trying to say is that, if you are having a hard day. I. Get. It. If you are looking at yourself in the mirror- dark circles and a little thinner than usual. I.Get.It. If you look forward to your morning cup of joe like an asthmatic looks for a deep breath of air. I.Get.It. And I am strangely comforted to know that I am not alone in my struggles and my hope is that you will find comfort in this as well.
